uninspired

by things so inspirational.
sorry, blog addicts.

all the way back then

I really think it has a lot to do with the area. I mean, what else do you have to do when you're surrounded by those damn apple orchards besides think? You walked into my life as a five year-old; at that point you had no significance. I don't think it's ironic that you were the first friend I ever made. Even though it took me eleven years to realize it, I think I understand why you're supposed to be in my life. I mean, people aren't in your life for no reason, right?

Today wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Typical nineteen degree, freezing day that finds it's way through my pea coat and deep into my skin despite the layers upon layers. For some reason, the walk that usually seems to last forever in what feels like sub-zero temperatures goes by quickly. You followed me up the steps of the freezing bus and we look at each other and laugh because we know there will be an interesting conversation to follow. I sat down and slid over hesitantly because I know how cold the seat is going to be. "Does he not know how to turn on the heat?" Our conversations usually start the same way, something about the end of the day or our mutual friends. But eventually we bring the conversation back to our future, specifically college and our potential post high school graduation. We both think we're abnormally mature and ready to reinvent ourselves. We've realized that high school is petty and that finding a true friend is a rarity. Reputations no longer matter; we're here to be who we want to be. You listen to what I have to say like no one else does. When I'm talking to you, I say what I think and what I mean, things other people wouldn't even being to understand.

It keeps coming back to the concept of reinvention. No one has any of these preconceived notions about who we are or who we're supposed to be. It's an opportunity to start all over which to both of us is impossible to let go. You're just as terrified of the real world as me, but we're both so eager to throw ourselves into this whirlwind.

I'm really happy that you walked into my life eleven years ago and that your still here. I hope we never lose touch and that you remain in my life forever because your honesty and innocence is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

guide her with your grace

I guess you could describe my mother as bold, beautiful, brilliant, intimidating, and carefree. She raised me, my dad wasn't there. Working or wrapped up in his other "affairs" you still think I'm to naive to understand. We were inseparable, even today all I hear is "you and your mom used to be so close." But I don't understand what happened to you, so miserable and wrapped up in things you didn't use to care about in the least. Even your best friend sees it when she never used to. Your mother is the source of your pain, but because you care, you can't help but do nothing about the situation. I've never seen you act so irrational and not enjoy the little things life has to offer. I wish I understood why you hate everything around you. I wish I recognized you, but sometimes I can't stand the person you've become. So you ask me why I seclude myself to bedroom? Well it's because I can't stand to see you so unhappy with everyone and everything. Confrontation is no longer an option because all it does is get me yelled at or upset, so I've decided to deal with it in my own way. College is just around the corner, so maybe when I'm gone reinventing myself you'll realize the how you used to care about me in the simplest way. Analyze your life and why you're miserable, because I want my old mother back.

Lately I've started to realize that distance is good for my relationships. Me & my father are stronger than ever. Working non-stop and from what I can guess, back to those "affairs." But for some odd reason, I'm okay with it.I find comfort and a sense of protection in his physical size and his emotional side he tries so hard not to show is irresistabley "Bill." He enjoys once again being the provider, the family man knowing he makes things easier for us. He's happy and smiling and no longer miserable. We laugh together and make humor out of the simple things I used to with my mother. When he's gone, I miss him because I know when he comes back, I'll cherish the time even more. I wish I myself understood my situation with my parents. They let me do what I want to do; they trust me and I respect that. They cyclically fall in and out of my life and that's okay. I enjoy new influence, outlooks, ages, and spectrums.

But mom, this time you hurt me. It's hard enough to watch my best friend be confused and furious with her newest obstacle, but it's so impossible to come home to an atmosphere I once loved that's now tainted with tension and awkwardness and look at it in the same light. So maybe I do "spend a lot of time" in my room, but I'm away from the misery and sometimes avoidance is just easier than facing the music. Nothing is simple, but everything is easy.

born in the arms of imaginary friends

you make me laugh, you keep me on my toes. sometimes it's not a big deal to be a little different, a little bad ass. let the good times roll and the rest drip off. a couple fuck yous, a few more i love yous. fearless, sometimes heartless, but all in good fun. no fairytale conclusion, you're straight up honesty. thank you for being, you.

peachy without me?

"Too many shadows in my room, too many hours in this midnight. Too many corners in my mind. So much to do to set my heart right."

"Remember all the things we wanted, now all the memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye."

"Now I'm split in two, I'm half me and half you, but I hate us both, don't you?

silent treatment?

FUCK YOU DUDE. Do you wanna talk about it or not? Because I am SO sick of your back and forth; You're a human, not a fucking pendulum.

insomnia

12:46 AM; a guaranteed less than six hours of sleep and all I can think about are corn fields, or apple orchards, or whatever the fuck they are. I still don't understand, and I'm never going to. So sick of everything being turned to black the second I roll toward the bright side. So uninspired to get up every morning; that's one more X to add to the calendar. All I do is think, and think, and think. I'm starting to think the worst place to be is inside my own mind. Everything is so raw, and real. There is no masking, no escaping. You can't put off til later the things that saturate your mind, your thoughts, every single ounce of energy. So I figure the only way to escape it is to sleep, but even there my thoughts find their way into my dreams. Miles of trees double my size surrounding me on both sides. The only way to go is forward or backward, no other way to escape. They make me take on my problems with no other option, no way to leave them behind. I'm not running from my problems as it is, so what kind of message is this trying to send? Are these even problems? I mean everyone struggles right? Black & white. Colors don't even exist; Everything is so much easier to comprehend in color. No one can make me feel what I'm not already feeling? Then what the fuck is influence? What is emotion without interactions to sway them? So lay down in those corn fields and look to the sky. They say somebody up there has the answers. What's the point in life if all we do is struggle? Even the sky is so full of life without any color at all. I guess all I wanna do is lay in that corn field and sleep FOREVER. Because in your dreams you don't have a choice. You don't pick your destiny. Someone plays your cards, picks your story. Is it bad to say that sometimes freedom seems harder? Choice seems unfair. Why should we even have options? Because I always seem to pick the wrong one. So corn field, here I come. You're the only place I seem to lose my choice and free will and I think I kinda like it that way.

I guess I'm doin' alright

in the mood to write, but nothing left to say. these last few days have been oh so content. since when am I not an emotional wreck 24 hours of the day? whenever I get this feeling of calmness and serenity I look around to find the closest dilemma and latch onto it to feel some sense of normalcy? I'm okay right now. I don't need you. Is it okay to be "okay?"

oh shonda

Sweet Surrender. Premiered April 23rd 2009. Episode 20 of Season 5.

"But, even when our hopes give way to reality and we finally have to surrender to the truth, it just means we've lost today battle. Not tomorrows war. Here's the thing about surrender, once you do it, actually give in, you forget why you were even fighting in the first place."


okay, maybe it is a LITTLE bit obsessive & maybe I do make at least four references to it in my everyday life, but I LOVE it. Shonda Rhimes, you ARE a genius.

do you remember when we first met? I sure do.

we sat in your basement and listened to it six times in a row. it was one of my favorite Taylor moments ever.
are you serious? you remember the strangest things.
i love that song though

okay, first one to nail the mailbox gets five bucks.
your on bitch.

it's freakin' cold out here. meet me halfway.
i'm already on your street.

come over & watch desperate tonight? my mom will drive you home when it's over. or you could just sleepover if you want.
i'm on my way. you better have good food in your house.

we're running up to the mall; i want you to help me find my dress. be ready in five minutes.
five minutes? sweet dude.

i'm about to pee/cry/puke/pass out/have a heart attack!
Tay, you'll be fine. it's just high school. you make me laugh so much.

i just got out of work. i'm coming to pick you up. i don't care if you're sleeping in your bed, get your lazy ass up!
you know me all too well.

his brows are like yours + mine.
+ some girl.

i'm going to be selfish & say that I want you here, for me. to keep my head on straight, tell me when I'm being irrational. who's right is it to take that away from me? i'd give anything to lay on your bed for a few more episodes, a few more laughs, a few more conversations about the world. sit on your cold hard wood floor and ball my eyes out about how the world isn't fair, but you continue to reassure me that i make the worst of the best situations. stumble through the basement slurring our speech asking why the hell we did this to ourselves? a few more bitch Mondays full of yawns and fuck yous. one more glass of cherry limeade? i don't want you to go now. it's not fair. you shouldn't have to start over.

yeah, I guess I am selfish. but I'm too fragile to let our friendship fall apart. let's conquer the miles and never forget why we are who we are.
comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection.

so maybe sixteen really is unbearable

I tried so hard to ignore the three years, I mean who's says we can't be equal? You only really seem to see me in a state of chaos. For some unknown reason, I love to spill my heart out to you. You just seem to understand in a way no one else does. You claim it was this hard for you at my age too, but you don't show it in the least. You've grown to be such a wise, understanding individual .. and a little mysterious I suppose <3 Simple words of reassurance from you mean something to me unlike those of others. Your opinions influence my decisions so much more than the other people around me.
So what made you grow out of this "sixteen year old stage?" You say understanding comes with time. I listen with so much faith and belief in what you say, so what makes me not believe you this time around? Will I ever be able to have a conversation with you in which I completely understand how your past is so relatable to the days I'm living in? In so many ways I want to have your mentality; to understand your point of view, feel how you feel, and understand the impossible. But in the same breath, I enjoy being amazed by you. I value your guidance and advice, the sense of being a "little one."
Why is it so easy for me to trust you? I mean all I've ever really been is hurt by the people I love. You give me a sense of comfort and peace in situations I wouldn't have been able to find on my own. But for some reason, instead of being the protective, shy sensitive person I've always been, you bring out my opposite. I wish you understood how much I analyze what you say, what you think is the right thing to do. Free of pressure, but full of understanding. I wish I understood why it's so easy for you to understand me.
So I guess for once, three years is okay. Maybe I'm alright with being the little one and accepting the advice instead of giving it. Forever young and moderately naive doesn't always hurt, right?

be my friend

"My life without you, I can not imagine. I've never seen how much I've took for granite how lucky we are to live so close. What will we do when apart? What will we do when were close in the future? I don't like not having everything set out in stone for me. I want answers. I want to be your friend. One thing I can promise is we will be friends, no matter how far; no matter how close. When you need me, I might not be a walk or bike ride away, but I will be a phone call away. I can not see the mornings where no one understands me but you, without you. I can not see the sport we've grown to love without you. I can not see the fact that we have been putting this off for so long, and now it's come back to bite us. I won't forget you, nor do I wish you will forget me. We've got that friendship that not even roads and distance can ruin. Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on."-My saving grace.

all I've ever done is tried to be with you because that's what I want. I thought that's what you wanted too. apparently, I was wrong. I just don't understand why I'm not good enough. I always do everything for you & now when I try to protect myself, you don't respect me. so if hurt me, why can't I let go? all you do is make me feel like the immature, naive child I used to be. you remind me of something I try so hard to let go of. respect me & stop making me feel like the one in the wrong.

white plains, you make me miserable as well.

go cry about it, why don't you?

you can't tell me what to do. let me do what I want. it's my life.

heres to all you crazy lovers

don't let your soul get lonely child, it's only time, it will go by
don't look for love in faces, places, it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness
don't lose your faith in me & I will try not to lose faith in you
don't put your trust in walls because walls only crush you when they fall

you give me hope, you are my hero

because all I've truly ever wanted to do is make a difference. make someone step back & realize who I am, what I want to be. look at the everything around them & realize, it's a beautiful day to be alive, to be breathe. something we take for granted every single day. to show someone that the little things no longer matter, grudges are non-existent. to think twice & trust your instincts. to love the people who truly love you & have patience with those who don't. to realize three little words mean the world. to not be embarassed about how you feel, what you think. to know you are not alone. to know that making a difference, changes the way you look at everything.

"i'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it"

to know someone thinks of you as their hero may be the most simply satisfying & beautiful feeling i've ever felt,

you call it unconditional; i'll say it's a lie

So maybe we don't see one another as much as we used to, but that doesn't mean I'm not always going to be there for you. Like the time when I told you I don't even look at myself the same anymore, but you continued to speak only of yourself & your own problems. I've known you forever & all you've ever been is honest. Then why don't you listen to me when I tell you your only going to hurt yourself yet again? You always know what to do & make yourself out to be so invincible & wise. If you listened, you'd know that I can't even analyze my own thoughts & emotions. You make the world out to be so black & white; How do you already know the all the answers? I wake up every morning with the same questions installed in my mind. Why can't I stand up for what I believe in like you do? If I knew what I believed in, do you think I'd be this perplexed? I told her you were my rock, you know the one I go to for the most impartial, outright opinions. Why can I always tell you how to solve your problems, but when I try to figure it out for myself I'm nothing but flustered? Someday I'm going to have the courage to speak to the world the way you do. What do you see in me that is so damn admirable? I don't know what I'd do without you.


Why can't the rest of them see me the way you do? Why can't I be what you think I am? Why is it so hard for you to see the real me? Why won't you listen to me when I tell you the truth? Self centered & arrogant. Vindictive & overbearing. Irrational & sentimental. Obdurate & infatuated. Petrified & diffident. You are outspoken; You've been detrayed. You are me.