guide her with your grace

I guess you could describe my mother as bold, beautiful, brilliant, intimidating, and carefree. She raised me, my dad wasn't there. Working or wrapped up in his other "affairs" you still think I'm to naive to understand. We were inseparable, even today all I hear is "you and your mom used to be so close." But I don't understand what happened to you, so miserable and wrapped up in things you didn't use to care about in the least. Even your best friend sees it when she never used to. Your mother is the source of your pain, but because you care, you can't help but do nothing about the situation. I've never seen you act so irrational and not enjoy the little things life has to offer. I wish I understood why you hate everything around you. I wish I recognized you, but sometimes I can't stand the person you've become. So you ask me why I seclude myself to bedroom? Well it's because I can't stand to see you so unhappy with everyone and everything. Confrontation is no longer an option because all it does is get me yelled at or upset, so I've decided to deal with it in my own way. College is just around the corner, so maybe when I'm gone reinventing myself you'll realize the how you used to care about me in the simplest way. Analyze your life and why you're miserable, because I want my old mother back.

Lately I've started to realize that distance is good for my relationships. Me & my father are stronger than ever. Working non-stop and from what I can guess, back to those "affairs." But for some odd reason, I'm okay with it.I find comfort and a sense of protection in his physical size and his emotional side he tries so hard not to show is irresistabley "Bill." He enjoys once again being the provider, the family man knowing he makes things easier for us. He's happy and smiling and no longer miserable. We laugh together and make humor out of the simple things I used to with my mother. When he's gone, I miss him because I know when he comes back, I'll cherish the time even more. I wish I myself understood my situation with my parents. They let me do what I want to do; they trust me and I respect that. They cyclically fall in and out of my life and that's okay. I enjoy new influence, outlooks, ages, and spectrums.

But mom, this time you hurt me. It's hard enough to watch my best friend be confused and furious with her newest obstacle, but it's so impossible to come home to an atmosphere I once loved that's now tainted with tension and awkwardness and look at it in the same light. So maybe I do "spend a lot of time" in my room, but I'm away from the misery and sometimes avoidance is just easier than facing the music. Nothing is simple, but everything is easy.