insomnia

12:46 AM; a guaranteed less than six hours of sleep and all I can think about are corn fields, or apple orchards, or whatever the fuck they are. I still don't understand, and I'm never going to. So sick of everything being turned to black the second I roll toward the bright side. So uninspired to get up every morning; that's one more X to add to the calendar. All I do is think, and think, and think. I'm starting to think the worst place to be is inside my own mind. Everything is so raw, and real. There is no masking, no escaping. You can't put off til later the things that saturate your mind, your thoughts, every single ounce of energy. So I figure the only way to escape it is to sleep, but even there my thoughts find their way into my dreams. Miles of trees double my size surrounding me on both sides. The only way to go is forward or backward, no other way to escape. They make me take on my problems with no other option, no way to leave them behind. I'm not running from my problems as it is, so what kind of message is this trying to send? Are these even problems? I mean everyone struggles right? Black & white. Colors don't even exist; Everything is so much easier to comprehend in color. No one can make me feel what I'm not already feeling? Then what the fuck is influence? What is emotion without interactions to sway them? So lay down in those corn fields and look to the sky. They say somebody up there has the answers. What's the point in life if all we do is struggle? Even the sky is so full of life without any color at all. I guess all I wanna do is lay in that corn field and sleep FOREVER. Because in your dreams you don't have a choice. You don't pick your destiny. Someone plays your cards, picks your story. Is it bad to say that sometimes freedom seems harder? Choice seems unfair. Why should we even have options? Because I always seem to pick the wrong one. So corn field, here I come. You're the only place I seem to lose my choice and free will and I think I kinda like it that way.