uninspired

by things so inspirational.
sorry, blog addicts.

all the way back then

I really think it has a lot to do with the area. I mean, what else do you have to do when you're surrounded by those damn apple orchards besides think? You walked into my life as a five year-old; at that point you had no significance. I don't think it's ironic that you were the first friend I ever made. Even though it took me eleven years to realize it, I think I understand why you're supposed to be in my life. I mean, people aren't in your life for no reason, right?

Today wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Typical nineteen degree, freezing day that finds it's way through my pea coat and deep into my skin despite the layers upon layers. For some reason, the walk that usually seems to last forever in what feels like sub-zero temperatures goes by quickly. You followed me up the steps of the freezing bus and we look at each other and laugh because we know there will be an interesting conversation to follow. I sat down and slid over hesitantly because I know how cold the seat is going to be. "Does he not know how to turn on the heat?" Our conversations usually start the same way, something about the end of the day or our mutual friends. But eventually we bring the conversation back to our future, specifically college and our potential post high school graduation. We both think we're abnormally mature and ready to reinvent ourselves. We've realized that high school is petty and that finding a true friend is a rarity. Reputations no longer matter; we're here to be who we want to be. You listen to what I have to say like no one else does. When I'm talking to you, I say what I think and what I mean, things other people wouldn't even being to understand.

It keeps coming back to the concept of reinvention. No one has any of these preconceived notions about who we are or who we're supposed to be. It's an opportunity to start all over which to both of us is impossible to let go. You're just as terrified of the real world as me, but we're both so eager to throw ourselves into this whirlwind.

I'm really happy that you walked into my life eleven years ago and that your still here. I hope we never lose touch and that you remain in my life forever because your honesty and innocence is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

guide her with your grace

I guess you could describe my mother as bold, beautiful, brilliant, intimidating, and carefree. She raised me, my dad wasn't there. Working or wrapped up in his other "affairs" you still think I'm to naive to understand. We were inseparable, even today all I hear is "you and your mom used to be so close." But I don't understand what happened to you, so miserable and wrapped up in things you didn't use to care about in the least. Even your best friend sees it when she never used to. Your mother is the source of your pain, but because you care, you can't help but do nothing about the situation. I've never seen you act so irrational and not enjoy the little things life has to offer. I wish I understood why you hate everything around you. I wish I recognized you, but sometimes I can't stand the person you've become. So you ask me why I seclude myself to bedroom? Well it's because I can't stand to see you so unhappy with everyone and everything. Confrontation is no longer an option because all it does is get me yelled at or upset, so I've decided to deal with it in my own way. College is just around the corner, so maybe when I'm gone reinventing myself you'll realize the how you used to care about me in the simplest way. Analyze your life and why you're miserable, because I want my old mother back.

Lately I've started to realize that distance is good for my relationships. Me & my father are stronger than ever. Working non-stop and from what I can guess, back to those "affairs." But for some odd reason, I'm okay with it.I find comfort and a sense of protection in his physical size and his emotional side he tries so hard not to show is irresistabley "Bill." He enjoys once again being the provider, the family man knowing he makes things easier for us. He's happy and smiling and no longer miserable. We laugh together and make humor out of the simple things I used to with my mother. When he's gone, I miss him because I know when he comes back, I'll cherish the time even more. I wish I myself understood my situation with my parents. They let me do what I want to do; they trust me and I respect that. They cyclically fall in and out of my life and that's okay. I enjoy new influence, outlooks, ages, and spectrums.

But mom, this time you hurt me. It's hard enough to watch my best friend be confused and furious with her newest obstacle, but it's so impossible to come home to an atmosphere I once loved that's now tainted with tension and awkwardness and look at it in the same light. So maybe I do "spend a lot of time" in my room, but I'm away from the misery and sometimes avoidance is just easier than facing the music. Nothing is simple, but everything is easy.

born in the arms of imaginary friends

you make me laugh, you keep me on my toes. sometimes it's not a big deal to be a little different, a little bad ass. let the good times roll and the rest drip off. a couple fuck yous, a few more i love yous. fearless, sometimes heartless, but all in good fun. no fairytale conclusion, you're straight up honesty. thank you for being, you.

peachy without me?

"Too many shadows in my room, too many hours in this midnight. Too many corners in my mind. So much to do to set my heart right."

"Remember all the things we wanted, now all the memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye."

"Now I'm split in two, I'm half me and half you, but I hate us both, don't you?

silent treatment?

FUCK YOU DUDE. Do you wanna talk about it or not? Because I am SO sick of your back and forth; You're a human, not a fucking pendulum.

insomnia

12:46 AM; a guaranteed less than six hours of sleep and all I can think about are corn fields, or apple orchards, or whatever the fuck they are. I still don't understand, and I'm never going to. So sick of everything being turned to black the second I roll toward the bright side. So uninspired to get up every morning; that's one more X to add to the calendar. All I do is think, and think, and think. I'm starting to think the worst place to be is inside my own mind. Everything is so raw, and real. There is no masking, no escaping. You can't put off til later the things that saturate your mind, your thoughts, every single ounce of energy. So I figure the only way to escape it is to sleep, but even there my thoughts find their way into my dreams. Miles of trees double my size surrounding me on both sides. The only way to go is forward or backward, no other way to escape. They make me take on my problems with no other option, no way to leave them behind. I'm not running from my problems as it is, so what kind of message is this trying to send? Are these even problems? I mean everyone struggles right? Black & white. Colors don't even exist; Everything is so much easier to comprehend in color. No one can make me feel what I'm not already feeling? Then what the fuck is influence? What is emotion without interactions to sway them? So lay down in those corn fields and look to the sky. They say somebody up there has the answers. What's the point in life if all we do is struggle? Even the sky is so full of life without any color at all. I guess all I wanna do is lay in that corn field and sleep FOREVER. Because in your dreams you don't have a choice. You don't pick your destiny. Someone plays your cards, picks your story. Is it bad to say that sometimes freedom seems harder? Choice seems unfair. Why should we even have options? Because I always seem to pick the wrong one. So corn field, here I come. You're the only place I seem to lose my choice and free will and I think I kinda like it that way.