Open Ended

I don't want anymore chapters because the book isn't ending.

I've been sleeping with the lights on baby, I know it drives you crazy

breaking down and coming undone, it's a rollercoaster kind of rush, and I never knew I could feel that much, and that's the way I loved you.

We both constantly toy with the boarder line of chaos and sanity. That's what the roller coaster is. We always wanna push, and want a little bit more. It's never enough, is it? We straped in knowing there was an up hill climb, but at that point I think we were too excited to realize that at some point, the up hill climb ends and we hang there and wait for the drop to come. Sometimes I think we want the drop to come as quick as possible because the climb back up is so satisfying and nostalgic. But the landslides aren't good. I really think it is possible to live comfortabley on the edge of crazy, because crazy is what we both need. Crazy keeps the fire burning, crazy keeps us alive. Let's keep burning the stares and dirty looks. Every one of them is designed to make us fight a little more. Fighting is what keeps us alive. I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it for the fight, because that fight, that up hill climb, and you, are totally and entirely worth it, always.

Libra, hold tight to all your beliefs today. The essence of your character may be tested.

Aquarius, you're the center of your universe, so don't feel bad when you put yourself first. Try some new activity today. Your amazing mental energy is seeking out new experiences and new people, so it's not much of a stretch to dig up something fun you've never done before.

when life hands you heartache...

What the fuck happened to "When the stormy winds of life threaten to knock you down, may you have the courage to spread your wings and fly!"

Hear You Me

Breathe in, breathe out. I became so lost in that feeling that is impossible to elucidate. I can not recollect what it feels like once it dissipates. My body goes numb. My chest feels like it is sustaining the weight of the world and the taste of salty tears builds up in my throat as I try to swallow. My rootless mind, which never shuts off, becomes vacant. I had no idea that after that phone call from a friend, I was about to enter the most tumultuous, but indispensable nine months of my life thus far. Breathe in, breathe out.
I was only thirteen. To outsiders, just a naïve child, but to those who knew me, I was a kid far beyond my years. I have always been commended on my maturity and how I take passion and pride in the things that I hold close to my heart. But this time, I wasn’t who everyone expected me to be in the face of disaster. During the blistering summer of July of 2007, I was told that my dance teacher, Denise, was killed in a car accident. Until then, I had never lost someone to death that I cared about so completely and unconditionally. I didn’t know how to react, feel, or cope. I isolated myself, shutting out others who wanted in. I began thinking and questioning everything that happened in my lifetime and became perturbed and severely depressed when I couldn’t find the answers. But, I became determined to understand the way I was feeling and started to realize that every single person in the world exists for a reason and it was time for me to figure out why it is I am here. Through all of these setbacks, I managed to learn my role in the world is going to change, but I need to be strong enough to face misfortune and never lose a sense of myself. I discovered death isn’t the end of living and I want to change someone’s outlook on life the way Denise changed mine.
I was almost sixteen. To outsiders, a studious, hardworking girl, but to those who knew me, a strong individual who has developed and become confident in my identity the last few years. It was August of 2009. My parents came back from the hospital with news that my Papa had passed away. Naturally, such a heartrending tragedy felt like a slap in the face. I was devastated that the only man I’d seen conquer so many battles finally put his weapon down. But, the second time around it became so much easier to cope with. I remembered that I needed to hold onto the things my Papa taught me and what role he played in my life. I was proud of my ability to take the positive out of such a displeasing situation and I noticed evolution within myself that I never thought possible. I am proud of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.
Sometimes that feeling comes back. I still don’t know how to explain it, or why it is there, but I have learned that after the bad feeling dies, something beautiful is brought to life. As I grow older, I have come to learn lessons from all individuals I cross paths with in my life and allow every one of them to shape the way I live my life. Breathe in, breathe out.

4:15 AM

You can sleep when you're dead.

Find Your Center

"Setting your own pace and sticking to it despite outside pressures to hurry up or slow down can bring you enormous satisfaction this year. Being the master of your own universe, as much as you can, will enrich the quality of your life. Making peace with inner conflicts is worth much more than getting along with others. That's because you're redefining who you are from the inside out. When you respect, trust, and love yourself, success in relationships is bound to follow."

Take Me As I Am

Guard up, guard down. Different pages, all the time. Getting aggrivated with the hidden fuck yous. Maybe that's not what it's supposed to be, but that's what it FEELS like, and I can't change that. Conquer a mountain, slide down a valley. No fail, everytime. What's it gonna take to get it right? I need to delete this stupid thing before it gets me in more trouble than it already has. UGH!!!

Stand Back Up

But if you look me in the eyes, and tell me we'll be alright, and you promise never to leave, you just might make me believe.

Sometimes you've got to lose 'til you win, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, 'cause it'll be alright again.

Stay true to yourself.

I may stumble, yeah I might fall. I'm only human, but aren't we all?

It's hard to say what it is I see in you, wonder if I'll always be with you.

What do you want from me?

My door is always open. You make the choice whether you walk in or not.

Flash Forward And We're Taking On The World Together

This is where I need to be, want to be, have to be. I'm doing this for me. I don't get why it's so hard for you to see why I am the way I am, but we're us. This isn't anything we don't have the power to work through. All good captains go down with their ships but we're staying afloat. If there were to be disaster, I hope we can both hold onto pieces of the wreckage. We can this. We've just got to stand back up.

Raise Your Glass

I'm happy that you are happy. You have what you deserve and nothing less. Now keep it that way because I love the new you ;)

I'm L, Nice To Meet Cha!

Some days I really miss blogging, today being one of them. This one goes out to Mark Zuckerberg, or the producers of The Social Network anyways, for reminding me that awesome ideas stem from writing-err typing?- out your thoughts. I've been working out every morning at 6:30 AM for almost four weeks now with the Wicked Witch of the West. Who would have thought? Our relationship has done a complete 180 from where it was at this point last year. Not only is she tolerable, but I enjoy and savor spending time with her. Sometimes she's just really easy to talk to. Although it's usually terrifying, I'm almost always guaranteed an honest answer, whether it's what I want to hear or not, but it's good to know that those people are still out there. Anyways, working out has been awesome. It feels good to get in shape, or at least attempt to. The rough mornings start to get me excited for softball season again, but then I think about how absolutely horrible it's going to be this year. I still can't believe the BOE took our coach from us. I mean come on, let the players play, the coaches coach, and the parents spectate, NOT run the show! Ugh, I can not talk about this without getting heated. I just wonder if I'm going to be able to leisurely enjoy something that has been so serious and intense, especially over the last few years. I feel like I'm not going to have anyone encouraging or pushing me like in the past and that scares me. Will the softball drama ever end?
Senior year has been alright. Nice and relaxing and I love that. Since when has school been nice and relaxing for me? I feel like I should be a lot more excited about senior year, but like they say "Once you have it, all you want is more." It just doesn't feel like anything special like I thought it would. But that's alright, because I'm enjoying it anyways. Tennis just ended. I'm happy it's over. It was just starting to become much more of a hassle than anything else.
I interviewed at Adidas today. I'm not sure how I feel about working in retail, but I need the extra cash and the discount at a sporting goods store doesn't hurt! And I get to wear bummy clothes to work! Does that not scream Haleigh Brown? But other than that, I don't think much else is new and exciting. I guess I'll leave it at that!

I'll Miss Everything About You, Without You

A year ago today I never thought I'd be rooting for someone that I thought made my life hell. Growing up I've come to realize and appreciate this relationship more than I ever thought I would. I've learned so much about myself and come to love such a "silly little game." I'm not ready to give this up. No one is. I don't want to see the Wicked Witch of the West in tears anymore. Someone has to put an end to all this shit and I hope the power of a few 15-17 year old girls can pull through just this once. Top Five Things She's Taught Me: Class, Discipline, Faith, Leadership, Drive. I'm gonna rock this speech. Watch out Board of Education.

Smilin' just to see the smile upon your face

I think I needed a vacation to remind myself that not everything in the world is out to get me. "Vacation is good for you! You look so tan and happy!" I never thought digging my feet into hot sand and jumping into huge waves could be so damn theraputic. Somehow it was just so easy to forget about the troubles of home like lost friendships (more to come later) and school which is slowly creeping up behind me, UGH! Days filled with Luka and drunken nights slammed with alcohol and drugs couldn't have helped me more in a time like this one. But sure enough as soon as I come home things begin to go haywire again! Two shocking but semi-expected text messages within fifteen minutes of one another. The first, Megan reminding me of our plans for Sara Evans on Tuesday that we've had since May. I don't know if I should suck it up and go with her and see if I have fun or stand my ground and wait for an appology. I just want her to see how much her selfishness is hurting me, but is it worth losing one of the most fun-filled friendships I've ever had? The second, Connor. What else is new. Crawl in, crawl out. I want you, you hate me. You want me, I give in momentarily only to follow with something along the lines of "we're better as friends." Sounds similiar to someone else I know! ;)

I know I haven't written in a long time and there's so much to say and millions of emotions that go hand-in-hand with everything that's happened this summer and I promise myself to go back and write about all of them.. eventually. BUT for the mean time, here's a list of the absolutely insane shit happening in my life from June to August of 2010: I got hired as a lifeguard at the Country Club with Meg. We spent the last two weeks of June and the first two weeks of July being together nonstop bouncing from one house to another somewhat leading to the downfall of our crazy friendship. My Dad had a heart attack on July 1st. He spent 3 weeks in the ICU and I'm so happy he's okay because it scared me shitless. Kristine and I have spent much less time together this summer than we ever have since our friendship began. Partially because we both worked 40 hours and then some every week and because I spent every ounce of my spare time with Meg while she went to Al's races and country concerts all over Western New York. But no fail, we're talking again and I can almost guarantee when school starts, we'll be inseperable again. She really is one of the best friends I've ever had. <3 I got in a car accident July 20th and bounced back and forth between St. Mary's and Children's with severe neck and back pain. I'm feeling a lot better now, but I learned a lot from the accident both physically and emotionally. Taylor and I grew a lot closer because of this I think. Her geniune support amazed me and she listened to me cry about my issues and offered me great advice. Thanks again dudey. ;) I went to see John Mayer, FINALLY! Just as great as I thought he'd be. I also went and toured at Geneseo and the campus is absolutely beautiful. It makes me excited for college, but this whole search is making me so nostalgic. August 18th was a year for Papa. I hated seeing Dad so sad, but I know he understands that Papa is better off now. I think Dad has some unresolved issues with not being able to say goodbye. :( Then there was Long Beach of course. A vacation done the right way. <3

What I have to look forward to this week: Tennis starts tomorrow! I definitely shouldn't be going back to intense physical activity yet because of the accident, but I'm going to try and see how it gos. The new Katy Perry CD comes out Tuesday! (I know I'm a dork, but I LOVE KP) Sara Evans is Tuesday night at Artpark. I absolutely hate Tuesdays in the Park with all my heart, but who can pass up a free Sara Evans concert? Certainly not me! So we'll see how everything goes. Once again my life in up in the air, but at this particular moment in time, I'm kinda happy <3

Blog certainly needed, blog well deserved. Happy to get all that shit on paper! (Well, you know what I mean!)

P-U-N-K

I wish I was still completely naive to the evils of the world. I want to believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I want to have a boyfriend from my Kindergarten class. I want to spend the summer holding my breath for as long as I can in filtered swimming pools and yelling "Mommy, watch this!" as I jump off the diving board. I want to put on fake make up, sunglasses, boas, and high heels and strut like I'm a princess. I want to eat mac and cheese and hot dogs for lunch everyday. I want to believe that life is lived day to day and what is in front of me today will be with me tomorrow. I want to be open hearted to individuals coming into my life for the first time.

I'm becoming amazed at the way children live and how precious it really is to be a kid. No one else is the world is as accepting and compassionate as the little one that have become a huge part of my life, especially lately. I want her to stay little forever and realize that there's nothing brilliant or spectacular to growing up. I want her to laugh hysterically when I tickle her and chase her around the house. I want her to tell me loves me and even when I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I want her to always run and jump to hug me whenever I see her. I love the way she whispers in my ear to rub to belly as she's falling asleep snuggling with the same blanket as I am. I'm so thankful to have such a beautiful little girl in my life even when she is a punk. It's almost impossible to say thank you for everything she's taught me just by being herself.

Somebody's Going Hungry, Someone Else Is Eating Out

I need to start slow dancing in the rain with strangers more often.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

Everyone's leaving. Nobody needs me anymore. I need some glue for these pieces.

Sweet Melissa

I've been wanting to blog so badly lately to catalog my feelings so I can remember how I feel. I'm in a stage that I don't really understand how to handle. Emotions used to spread like wildfire and fluctuate a million times throughout the day, but all of a sudden I don't feel feelings. They exist, but they don't come through to me. I know they're there but I can't physically think about them or even begin to analyze them. I used to cry all the time. Now I just block it out. I'm pushing myself out of the situation, just leaving it and abandoning it. Walking away is just easier. I'm filling my days and nights with people I love and that make me feel alive. I don't want to go home anymore. I'm scared of what's there and what will soon no longer be. The thought of divorce doesn't scare me because I don't think about it, I won't think about it. I used to be a dreamer and an analyzer but I think those days are over. I've just gotta shut up and go with it. Through all of this I've had an amazing support system. I don't want to tell anyone about this, but there's a few people who just get it.. well kind of.

Melissa One. You came in on your birthday and before I even got a chance to say "Happy Birthday," you looked me in the eyes and asked me what was wrong. For some reason that I have yet to discover, I can't lie to you. I tried to shake it and focus on you because after all it's your special day, but you unselfishly shifted the conversation back to me. You rubbed my arms and just listened instead of interrupting with suggestions and ways that you relate. You didn't just tell me everything was going to okay. I love the way you listen to me and are truly concerned about my well being. Thank you for spending your birthday sitting with me at the bar drowning out my feelings that are unable to be interpreted.

Melissa Two. Mo. You get the teenager side of me. When "no one understands," you do. You are selfless just like Melissa One. You've known me forever and ever since I can remember, I've loved talking to you. We sit around the camp fires spilling our hearts out and talking about things I never imagined I'd tell another person. No matter what I do, you never look at me differently. I'll always be Hay Hay and you'll always care about me no matter how badly I mess up. We can talk for hours on end and we never run out of anything to talk about. You just always know what to say. I hope I can have that same bond with Leah and I can return the favor back to you. I want someone else to have what you gave to me.

When you're gone will I lose control? You're the only road I know, You show me where to go so who will drive my soul?

Save your breath 'cause here comes the truth.

So I listen to you complain and then I bite my tongue in vain again as I let it slowly all just settle in. Such a pretty picture that you paint, I'm so vile while you're a saint. Funny how your eyes seem thick, not thin.

World War Three. Too exhausted to explain. All I have to say is you will NEVER touch my little sister again if I have anything to say about it.

Stop, Now Think About It

It's time to move on, but that means letting go. I think it's impossible to muster up the courage to say I'm through with you. I wish everything worked out in the moment the way I see it working out in my head beforehand. Stop, being so addicting.

How to Make a Memory

"I guarantee you I miss my secondhand sanity more than you miss your teenage angst"