Sweet Melissa

I've been wanting to blog so badly lately to catalog my feelings so I can remember how I feel. I'm in a stage that I don't really understand how to handle. Emotions used to spread like wildfire and fluctuate a million times throughout the day, but all of a sudden I don't feel feelings. They exist, but they don't come through to me. I know they're there but I can't physically think about them or even begin to analyze them. I used to cry all the time. Now I just block it out. I'm pushing myself out of the situation, just leaving it and abandoning it. Walking away is just easier. I'm filling my days and nights with people I love and that make me feel alive. I don't want to go home anymore. I'm scared of what's there and what will soon no longer be. The thought of divorce doesn't scare me because I don't think about it, I won't think about it. I used to be a dreamer and an analyzer but I think those days are over. I've just gotta shut up and go with it. Through all of this I've had an amazing support system. I don't want to tell anyone about this, but there's a few people who just get it.. well kind of.

Melissa One. You came in on your birthday and before I even got a chance to say "Happy Birthday," you looked me in the eyes and asked me what was wrong. For some reason that I have yet to discover, I can't lie to you. I tried to shake it and focus on you because after all it's your special day, but you unselfishly shifted the conversation back to me. You rubbed my arms and just listened instead of interrupting with suggestions and ways that you relate. You didn't just tell me everything was going to okay. I love the way you listen to me and are truly concerned about my well being. Thank you for spending your birthday sitting with me at the bar drowning out my feelings that are unable to be interpreted.

Melissa Two. Mo. You get the teenager side of me. When "no one understands," you do. You are selfless just like Melissa One. You've known me forever and ever since I can remember, I've loved talking to you. We sit around the camp fires spilling our hearts out and talking about things I never imagined I'd tell another person. No matter what I do, you never look at me differently. I'll always be Hay Hay and you'll always care about me no matter how badly I mess up. We can talk for hours on end and we never run out of anything to talk about. You just always know what to say. I hope I can have that same bond with Leah and I can return the favor back to you. I want someone else to have what you gave to me.

When you're gone will I lose control? You're the only road I know, You show me where to go so who will drive my soul?