we'll recover

SO she made a mistake, but I love her and you can't take that away from me. I don't know if I'm mad because of what she did or because of how I found out. She's the only one who has ever been able to make everything okay. When I'm truly hurt, she's the only one I want. She understands me and listens to me. I know she keeps my secrets unlike everyone else. Yes, I hate what she did, whatever that is, but you're not allowed to hold that against me. You can't just say she's old news. You don't know her, you're not allowed to judge her. SHE is human. I am human. We all make mistakes. But don't let what she did overshadow WHO she is.

parallel opposites

got my license today. so thankful for this newfound freedom !

september took my tourists and settled them for good

i haven't wanted something this bad in so long. cue mental breakdown. i'll be okay with help from you. i miss you a lot today. please just carry into tomorrow. be with me so that i'll be okay. give me a sign. be in my dreams tonight. DMMcArthur. 070707.

talking to what's left of you and watching what I say

i love the way you make the simpliest things mean so much. its the difference between looking like and truly being. you're not heartless, you just don't want to be vulnerable. let your guard down. what are you really trying to prove to someone who knows you inside and out?

tangeled in hotel sheets

I remember honey lips and words so true
I remember nonstop earthquake dreams of you
You're coming on fast like good dreams do

cross cancel the negative

it's been a year and four months. you're back. suprise, suprise. but for some reason, this time it's natural. i think we both want to be what we used to be, but is it worth the effort and time? i really do miss you. i'm happy you're back in my life, but how long will it last this time? i'm guessing it's too good to be true, but people have been suprising me lately. you're no good for me, but I want you to be the bad in my life. stay in my life for once in your life.

edge of desire

don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'cause i'm just about to set fire to everything i see
i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe
there i just said it i'm scared you'll forget about me

we're just ordinary people

Repeatedly being intentionally hurt really begins to influence who you trust and wholeheartedly believe. Being manipulated by her made me into someone I didn't even recognize. I hurt people I loved and didn't care. When I realized the power she had over me, I started to push her out of my life even though it was one of the hardest and only things I've ever done for myself. But now that she's gone for good, I'm content with myself and the people around me. I've rung out the bad and evil and become saturated with the people I believe truly care about me as a person.

Of everyone I've ever met, I've gravitated to you more than anyone. We have this unspoken trust that honestly amazes me. Ever since I realised the control she had over me I stopped trusting everyone. No one was every going to hurt me again; I told myself I was invincible. I think at one point you were the same way. But for some reason it's okay for me to be vulnerable with you. You just understand what I say and why I think the way I do. I can be myself, completely unguarded. You're never quick to judge or jump to conclusions. You listen intently to what I have to say free of prejudice and full of wonder. I've never admired someone the way I do you. Someday I want to be what you are, who you are. Have a family like you do, be the one everyone wants around.

You always talk about how I have so much potential, almost as if you wished you were like me when you were a kid. "You're so smart and have the potential to go so far." You wanted to be the person I can be even though I'm not so sure that's what I want. You're happy and that is what I want to be. But I know you're selfless and appreciate the simply beautiful things you have.

unguarded & non judgemental. maybe you're that way because of your past. you've been through so much to mold you into the person you are now, but I think it was worth it. you ended up in a better place and as a much better person. for some reason, I know you'll be in my life forever. Thank you for being nothing more than YOU.

purgatory, next stop heaven?

i really think he was there. i mean, i know i was asleep but i could feel him there with me. i felt his body hug me. it was my son's first birthday. what would have been my first anniversary, but i lay in my bed crying feeling sorry for myself. i knew i threw that peanut butter away but i smelled it, just for a second. i knew it was his way of saying happy anniversary to me.

i was laying in my bed and i just started screaming for my mom. i saw my dad, it was him i know it was. i watched him walk down the basement stairs, but he looked up and stared at me and waved.

by the way you stood up I knew you were uncomfortable with the conversation. I think sometimes I remind you of him. your little boy, gone. I can't imagine and hopefully will never know what you're going through.

three of the most fun people all I know all devastated by the loses of someone they love. i really think that tragedy molds people. i mean, how else do you find out who you really are?

dreamboard interference

for once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam
hit me hard enough to wake me, and lead me wild to your dark roads

please just see it in my eyes

i'd rather waste it with you than not have it to waste at all. distance is good for me, just not this time.

truth comes out a little at a time

i still don't understand how we share blood. you're a little spitfire, full of life, flirty, and a sweetheart. i'm a homebody, complicatedly simple, confused in the love department, and a bitch. your sweet simplicity keeps me grounded. but the thing I love most is the way you handle life's hardest situations. I can tell when something really bothers you. you just get those little tear drops in the bottom of your eyes and your mouth opens a little bit in an attempt to form a fake smile.

on paper, i guess i'm the good kid. but I admire the hell out of you. your morals amaze me. but I still hate the way you let people throw you around and the untrue side of you that you show to the world. be the sweetheart who stands up for herself. don't let people walk allover you and don't retaliate by not being who you are. I love you who really are. you don't believe me when I tell you I love you. but you're my little sister. you're growing up to fast and I know I can't do anything about it anymore. but I do love you and I always will. be you kid, because whoever you are, you amaze me.

seven TRIP

how does it feel to be the man that caused so many people so much pain? if you would have hit your brake pad a little bit sooner, I'd be at ease with so much more. something that happened to you terrifies me and we've never even met. you've caused chaos, panic, and confusion for her family and friends. but I want to get inside of your head. see what you're thinking. do you remember her everyday? replay the incident constantly. think what went wrong, what distracted you so much that you took someone else's life? i wonder if it's worse to be on your end or ours. knowing you caused all this pain is heart wrenching, but is enduring it and seeing it unfold before your eyes even worse? I want to feel sorry for you. sometimes I think I do. but today I miss her, a lot. today I want her back and today I need to tell her how I'm feeling and listen to her brilliant advice on how I should live my life. today, what you did isn't okay with me. but maybe tomorrow I'll understand. time does heal, but these sudden urges to have you back are starting to overwhelm me. someday way too soon. but for now, i still love you and you still are my world. i think of you everyday. pivotal moments, true change in my life. i can't think of a better time for this to happen. it makes sense today, but tomorrow, will it? day by day.

sketchboard

You're the best friend I've ever had, but it's impossible for me to figure you out. You don't over analyse anything the way I do. Things are what they are, you refuse to find a deeper meaning. When bad things happen, they're supposed to. You're not heartless in the way I make you sound. You just kinda move on. Or do you? Because then you start to question things that happened in the past. It's never a real conversation, just a thought that came to mind. Quick and unexpected you spit it out in that really fast, nervous tone that only I can comprehend. I can't figure out if all you do is care what people think or you truly just are too caught up to be concerned.

You came home from Paradise and before I even heard about the nights saturated with liquor and the native friends I'm sure that you made, I can hear it in your voice that you aren't okay. Something happened, it's just my instinct. I just know. I'm always the advice giver of my friends when something is truly wrong, but this time I know it's different. Three months ago he was that hands-off hot ass that you dreamed about every night. He showed interest in someone else. You didn't want to move on, but once you did, you were back to normal; I mean what else would I expect from you? But now it's him who wants you and you didn't know how to react. Go with it, sure. I mean it's Paradise, why not have a good time? But I don't think you thought about what it'd do to you on a deeper level.

He's five years older than you. You have such a bright future. Don't waste it on someone who won't matter a year down the road. Victory isn't so sweet. Let's stay young forever and stare in awe at the lives of what we believe to be the sultry and sweet. I don't know if I can handle you not being you. This inconsistency is going to drive me insane.

& you say wisdom comes with age

you truly think he is the best thing that has ever happened to you? then my darling, you are nothing but a fool. ignorance is not a pardon.

brain surgery

"i know Tay, it's just SO hard to commit to something that is gunna stick with you FOREVER when you're 16." lately, this has been playing such a toll on my everyday thought. I mean, a year ago I wanted to be the next Cristina Yang and had the rest of my life figured out. then I woke up one morning and decided that wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. so where do I go from here? how am I supposed to make a decision like that when my teenage mind is so screwed up and insane? answers anybody?

Salt Lake City, Utah

it all boils down to that longing for human contact.

lose this crowd; break me out

They'll carry on, Won't notice we're gone, So easily replaced

The walls are caving in without a warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

So hung up on bad ass Skater Boy even though Mr. Innocent is staring me in the face. Time to move on like you did. I just wish I knew how.