Hear You Me

Breathe in, breathe out. I became so lost in that feeling that is impossible to elucidate. I can not recollect what it feels like once it dissipates. My body goes numb. My chest feels like it is sustaining the weight of the world and the taste of salty tears builds up in my throat as I try to swallow. My rootless mind, which never shuts off, becomes vacant. I had no idea that after that phone call from a friend, I was about to enter the most tumultuous, but indispensable nine months of my life thus far. Breathe in, breathe out.
I was only thirteen. To outsiders, just a naïve child, but to those who knew me, I was a kid far beyond my years. I have always been commended on my maturity and how I take passion and pride in the things that I hold close to my heart. But this time, I wasn’t who everyone expected me to be in the face of disaster. During the blistering summer of July of 2007, I was told that my dance teacher, Denise, was killed in a car accident. Until then, I had never lost someone to death that I cared about so completely and unconditionally. I didn’t know how to react, feel, or cope. I isolated myself, shutting out others who wanted in. I began thinking and questioning everything that happened in my lifetime and became perturbed and severely depressed when I couldn’t find the answers. But, I became determined to understand the way I was feeling and started to realize that every single person in the world exists for a reason and it was time for me to figure out why it is I am here. Through all of these setbacks, I managed to learn my role in the world is going to change, but I need to be strong enough to face misfortune and never lose a sense of myself. I discovered death isn’t the end of living and I want to change someone’s outlook on life the way Denise changed mine.
I was almost sixteen. To outsiders, a studious, hardworking girl, but to those who knew me, a strong individual who has developed and become confident in my identity the last few years. It was August of 2009. My parents came back from the hospital with news that my Papa had passed away. Naturally, such a heartrending tragedy felt like a slap in the face. I was devastated that the only man I’d seen conquer so many battles finally put his weapon down. But, the second time around it became so much easier to cope with. I remembered that I needed to hold onto the things my Papa taught me and what role he played in my life. I was proud of my ability to take the positive out of such a displeasing situation and I noticed evolution within myself that I never thought possible. I am proud of who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.
Sometimes that feeling comes back. I still don’t know how to explain it, or why it is there, but I have learned that after the bad feeling dies, something beautiful is brought to life. As I grow older, I have come to learn lessons from all individuals I cross paths with in my life and allow every one of them to shape the way I live my life. Breathe in, breathe out.

4:15 AM

You can sleep when you're dead.

Find Your Center

"Setting your own pace and sticking to it despite outside pressures to hurry up or slow down can bring you enormous satisfaction this year. Being the master of your own universe, as much as you can, will enrich the quality of your life. Making peace with inner conflicts is worth much more than getting along with others. That's because you're redefining who you are from the inside out. When you respect, trust, and love yourself, success in relationships is bound to follow."

Take Me As I Am

Guard up, guard down. Different pages, all the time. Getting aggrivated with the hidden fuck yous. Maybe that's not what it's supposed to be, but that's what it FEELS like, and I can't change that. Conquer a mountain, slide down a valley. No fail, everytime. What's it gonna take to get it right? I need to delete this stupid thing before it gets me in more trouble than it already has. UGH!!!

Stand Back Up

But if you look me in the eyes, and tell me we'll be alright, and you promise never to leave, you just might make me believe.

Sometimes you've got to lose 'til you win, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, 'cause it'll be alright again.

Stay true to yourself.

I may stumble, yeah I might fall. I'm only human, but aren't we all?

It's hard to say what it is I see in you, wonder if I'll always be with you.

What do you want from me?

My door is always open. You make the choice whether you walk in or not.

Flash Forward And We're Taking On The World Together

This is where I need to be, want to be, have to be. I'm doing this for me. I don't get why it's so hard for you to see why I am the way I am, but we're us. This isn't anything we don't have the power to work through. All good captains go down with their ships but we're staying afloat. If there were to be disaster, I hope we can both hold onto pieces of the wreckage. We can this. We've just got to stand back up.

Raise Your Glass

I'm happy that you are happy. You have what you deserve and nothing less. Now keep it that way because I love the new you ;)

I'm L, Nice To Meet Cha!

Some days I really miss blogging, today being one of them. This one goes out to Mark Zuckerberg, or the producers of The Social Network anyways, for reminding me that awesome ideas stem from writing-err typing?- out your thoughts. I've been working out every morning at 6:30 AM for almost four weeks now with the Wicked Witch of the West. Who would have thought? Our relationship has done a complete 180 from where it was at this point last year. Not only is she tolerable, but I enjoy and savor spending time with her. Sometimes she's just really easy to talk to. Although it's usually terrifying, I'm almost always guaranteed an honest answer, whether it's what I want to hear or not, but it's good to know that those people are still out there. Anyways, working out has been awesome. It feels good to get in shape, or at least attempt to. The rough mornings start to get me excited for softball season again, but then I think about how absolutely horrible it's going to be this year. I still can't believe the BOE took our coach from us. I mean come on, let the players play, the coaches coach, and the parents spectate, NOT run the show! Ugh, I can not talk about this without getting heated. I just wonder if I'm going to be able to leisurely enjoy something that has been so serious and intense, especially over the last few years. I feel like I'm not going to have anyone encouraging or pushing me like in the past and that scares me. Will the softball drama ever end?
Senior year has been alright. Nice and relaxing and I love that. Since when has school been nice and relaxing for me? I feel like I should be a lot more excited about senior year, but like they say "Once you have it, all you want is more." It just doesn't feel like anything special like I thought it would. But that's alright, because I'm enjoying it anyways. Tennis just ended. I'm happy it's over. It was just starting to become much more of a hassle than anything else.
I interviewed at Adidas today. I'm not sure how I feel about working in retail, but I need the extra cash and the discount at a sporting goods store doesn't hurt! And I get to wear bummy clothes to work! Does that not scream Haleigh Brown? But other than that, I don't think much else is new and exciting. I guess I'll leave it at that!

I'll Miss Everything About You, Without You

A year ago today I never thought I'd be rooting for someone that I thought made my life hell. Growing up I've come to realize and appreciate this relationship more than I ever thought I would. I've learned so much about myself and come to love such a "silly little game." I'm not ready to give this up. No one is. I don't want to see the Wicked Witch of the West in tears anymore. Someone has to put an end to all this shit and I hope the power of a few 15-17 year old girls can pull through just this once. Top Five Things She's Taught Me: Class, Discipline, Faith, Leadership, Drive. I'm gonna rock this speech. Watch out Board of Education.

Smilin' just to see the smile upon your face

I think I needed a vacation to remind myself that not everything in the world is out to get me. "Vacation is good for you! You look so tan and happy!" I never thought digging my feet into hot sand and jumping into huge waves could be so damn theraputic. Somehow it was just so easy to forget about the troubles of home like lost friendships (more to come later) and school which is slowly creeping up behind me, UGH! Days filled with Luka and drunken nights slammed with alcohol and drugs couldn't have helped me more in a time like this one. But sure enough as soon as I come home things begin to go haywire again! Two shocking but semi-expected text messages within fifteen minutes of one another. The first, Megan reminding me of our plans for Sara Evans on Tuesday that we've had since May. I don't know if I should suck it up and go with her and see if I have fun or stand my ground and wait for an appology. I just want her to see how much her selfishness is hurting me, but is it worth losing one of the most fun-filled friendships I've ever had? The second, Connor. What else is new. Crawl in, crawl out. I want you, you hate me. You want me, I give in momentarily only to follow with something along the lines of "we're better as friends." Sounds similiar to someone else I know! ;)

I know I haven't written in a long time and there's so much to say and millions of emotions that go hand-in-hand with everything that's happened this summer and I promise myself to go back and write about all of them.. eventually. BUT for the mean time, here's a list of the absolutely insane shit happening in my life from June to August of 2010: I got hired as a lifeguard at the Country Club with Meg. We spent the last two weeks of June and the first two weeks of July being together nonstop bouncing from one house to another somewhat leading to the downfall of our crazy friendship. My Dad had a heart attack on July 1st. He spent 3 weeks in the ICU and I'm so happy he's okay because it scared me shitless. Kristine and I have spent much less time together this summer than we ever have since our friendship began. Partially because we both worked 40 hours and then some every week and because I spent every ounce of my spare time with Meg while she went to Al's races and country concerts all over Western New York. But no fail, we're talking again and I can almost guarantee when school starts, we'll be inseperable again. She really is one of the best friends I've ever had. <3 I got in a car accident July 20th and bounced back and forth between St. Mary's and Children's with severe neck and back pain. I'm feeling a lot better now, but I learned a lot from the accident both physically and emotionally. Taylor and I grew a lot closer because of this I think. Her geniune support amazed me and she listened to me cry about my issues and offered me great advice. Thanks again dudey. ;) I went to see John Mayer, FINALLY! Just as great as I thought he'd be. I also went and toured at Geneseo and the campus is absolutely beautiful. It makes me excited for college, but this whole search is making me so nostalgic. August 18th was a year for Papa. I hated seeing Dad so sad, but I know he understands that Papa is better off now. I think Dad has some unresolved issues with not being able to say goodbye. :( Then there was Long Beach of course. A vacation done the right way. <3

What I have to look forward to this week: Tennis starts tomorrow! I definitely shouldn't be going back to intense physical activity yet because of the accident, but I'm going to try and see how it gos. The new Katy Perry CD comes out Tuesday! (I know I'm a dork, but I LOVE KP) Sara Evans is Tuesday night at Artpark. I absolutely hate Tuesdays in the Park with all my heart, but who can pass up a free Sara Evans concert? Certainly not me! So we'll see how everything goes. Once again my life in up in the air, but at this particular moment in time, I'm kinda happy <3

Blog certainly needed, blog well deserved. Happy to get all that shit on paper! (Well, you know what I mean!)

P-U-N-K

I wish I was still completely naive to the evils of the world. I want to believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I want to have a boyfriend from my Kindergarten class. I want to spend the summer holding my breath for as long as I can in filtered swimming pools and yelling "Mommy, watch this!" as I jump off the diving board. I want to put on fake make up, sunglasses, boas, and high heels and strut like I'm a princess. I want to eat mac and cheese and hot dogs for lunch everyday. I want to believe that life is lived day to day and what is in front of me today will be with me tomorrow. I want to be open hearted to individuals coming into my life for the first time.

I'm becoming amazed at the way children live and how precious it really is to be a kid. No one else is the world is as accepting and compassionate as the little one that have become a huge part of my life, especially lately. I want her to stay little forever and realize that there's nothing brilliant or spectacular to growing up. I want her to laugh hysterically when I tickle her and chase her around the house. I want her to tell me loves me and even when I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I want her to always run and jump to hug me whenever I see her. I love the way she whispers in my ear to rub to belly as she's falling asleep snuggling with the same blanket as I am. I'm so thankful to have such a beautiful little girl in my life even when she is a punk. It's almost impossible to say thank you for everything she's taught me just by being herself.

Somebody's Going Hungry, Someone Else Is Eating Out

I need to start slow dancing in the rain with strangers more often.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

Everyone's leaving. Nobody needs me anymore. I need some glue for these pieces.

Sweet Melissa

I've been wanting to blog so badly lately to catalog my feelings so I can remember how I feel. I'm in a stage that I don't really understand how to handle. Emotions used to spread like wildfire and fluctuate a million times throughout the day, but all of a sudden I don't feel feelings. They exist, but they don't come through to me. I know they're there but I can't physically think about them or even begin to analyze them. I used to cry all the time. Now I just block it out. I'm pushing myself out of the situation, just leaving it and abandoning it. Walking away is just easier. I'm filling my days and nights with people I love and that make me feel alive. I don't want to go home anymore. I'm scared of what's there and what will soon no longer be. The thought of divorce doesn't scare me because I don't think about it, I won't think about it. I used to be a dreamer and an analyzer but I think those days are over. I've just gotta shut up and go with it. Through all of this I've had an amazing support system. I don't want to tell anyone about this, but there's a few people who just get it.. well kind of.

Melissa One. You came in on your birthday and before I even got a chance to say "Happy Birthday," you looked me in the eyes and asked me what was wrong. For some reason that I have yet to discover, I can't lie to you. I tried to shake it and focus on you because after all it's your special day, but you unselfishly shifted the conversation back to me. You rubbed my arms and just listened instead of interrupting with suggestions and ways that you relate. You didn't just tell me everything was going to okay. I love the way you listen to me and are truly concerned about my well being. Thank you for spending your birthday sitting with me at the bar drowning out my feelings that are unable to be interpreted.

Melissa Two. Mo. You get the teenager side of me. When "no one understands," you do. You are selfless just like Melissa One. You've known me forever and ever since I can remember, I've loved talking to you. We sit around the camp fires spilling our hearts out and talking about things I never imagined I'd tell another person. No matter what I do, you never look at me differently. I'll always be Hay Hay and you'll always care about me no matter how badly I mess up. We can talk for hours on end and we never run out of anything to talk about. You just always know what to say. I hope I can have that same bond with Leah and I can return the favor back to you. I want someone else to have what you gave to me.

When you're gone will I lose control? You're the only road I know, You show me where to go so who will drive my soul?

Save your breath 'cause here comes the truth.

So I listen to you complain and then I bite my tongue in vain again as I let it slowly all just settle in. Such a pretty picture that you paint, I'm so vile while you're a saint. Funny how your eyes seem thick, not thin.

World War Three. Too exhausted to explain. All I have to say is you will NEVER touch my little sister again if I have anything to say about it.

Stop, Now Think About It

It's time to move on, but that means letting go. I think it's impossible to muster up the courage to say I'm through with you. I wish everything worked out in the moment the way I see it working out in my head beforehand. Stop, being so addicting.

How to Make a Memory

"I guarantee you I miss my secondhand sanity more than you miss your teenage angst"

Tail Lights in the Rain

Who thought we'd be playing softball on March 30th? An actual game, on an actual diamond and at Lew-Port?! Never in a million years. The schedule said we had a game, but of course we were all unprepared for a game in March. I went home during lunch to get all my equipment and ran through the mental check list to make sure I had everything I needed. Check, Check, Check.


Third inning in and Adolf hollers "Brown, you're in at first and batting for Meogrossi." In the rush to find my helmet and The Catty, I realized this is the first time all year I've hit off a live pitcher and needed my batting gloves. Rummaging through my bag with not many seconds to spare I could only find my left glove and couldn't figure out for the life of me where the right one could have gone. So naturally, my first varsity at bat my head was everywhere but where it needed to be. Awkward wind-up. Ball One. Foul tip, Strike One. One and One. Suddenly, I got a visual in my mind of where my glove was. It seemed like the world slowed down and my mind was working in slow motion. I watched for my signs, but there's no way I could have received them with that feeling in my gut and those thoughts in my head.

I skipped back to August. I didn't want to say goodbye. We were all huddled in that small room packed full of familiar faces there to say their final prayers and bid their final goodbyes. Common acquaintances slowly stumbled to the front of the frigid room where the cold casket containing my Papa's body boldy stood. Most hugged my Nana and muttered some final form of condolences in her ear and she answered with some kind of appreciative gesture. Eventually, the room emptied little by little and only my family remained. No one was brave enough to make the first move to say a final farewell. My dad grabbed my hand and asked me with tears in his eyes if I would walk with him to do what had to be done. I pulled my black Nike glove out of my back pocket and a few grains of dirt from the diamond floated to the floor of that room so full of silence. I put my glove on the pillow that Papa's head rested on while kissing his forehead and whispering my last salute. All of a sudden it smelled like memories. Papa never missed a game. He'd leave the hospital after bypass surgery and speed there to make sure I had someone cheering for me on the sidelines. Everyone knew his name and carried his chair. Bought him coffee and let him pet their dog as if it were his own. After every team, I'd run over to his car and hug him and he'd tell me he was proud of me even when I played horribly. He never disappointed me and always made me feel proud of myself which few people have the ability to do.

Then just like that I snapped back into the game. My feet were still out of the box when the pitcher released the ball. I closed my eyes and my body just connected. I hit a shot deep into right field, right where Papa always sat watching me, admirably. Rounding the base and talking to my biggest fan, I muttered aloud, "That one was for you." That's the first game Papa missed. But if he could be here, I know he would be. He fought for 21 years to be alive and everyday was a struggle. The season is making me miss him more than ever. But now I've got another spirit on my shoulder when I'm playing a game I care about so much.

I know you'll never miss a game Papa.

I haven't cried in months, but today, on Easter Sunday it feels so liberating. Holidays will always be the hardest, but I know you're here Big Man.

Still of the Morning Cover of the Night

Hello you long shots and dark horse runners, hair brush singers and dashboard drummers. Hello you wild magnolias just waiting to bloom.

I have nothing to hide and no need to sugarcoat so I'm going to make this plain and simple. Everyone and everything I seem to care about lately is packing up and moving south. I have that horrible feeling in my gut like I did from June to December of 2007. Laying under my comforter in the darkness of my bedroom I sit here contemplating my next move. Tears don't come like they used to. I just lie here and think. Think. Think. My mind is worst enemey. I think so far into things that I just work myself up and throw myself into absurd scenarios that will never happen in the tangable world. Imagination and these dreamlike states of mind are starting to disappear. I'm just alone with myself and my thoughts and that terrifies me. I'm starting to lose trust in everyone. Even the few that have never given me a reason not to.

I just want to be done.

Editor In Chief

I know it's been a while. A long long while as a matter of fact. But we all know what happens to the plethora of time that I used to have when this time of year comes rolling around. Softball is amazing. Anywhere from two to four hours a day I spend working to the bone all for this personal and liberating satisfaction. I'm starting to enjoy running? It's really the only time I have to think. Somewhere between the stomach cramps and burning hamstrings, (which are really starting to become a problem) I find time to analyse my day and whatever seems to be happening at the time. If it's at all possible, I think Adolf is starting to gain some respect for me? She's realizing I'm not the same kid I was in seventh grade and that I deserve a second chance. But enough about that shit...

This weekend I took some time to myself. I love my softball girls, but I've been spending so much time with them that I feel like maybe I've been neglecting my duties to my best friends. I'm really happy that I got to spend some time with Morrisville. I learned that one of the few people I've believed to be completely honest with me since the day I met them, lied to me. I was fine with the fact that she chose to do what she did, that's her decision. But you didn't want to tell me because you didn't know what I'd think. That's what hurts the most. I thought you'd know better than to think of me as judgemental. I feel like we're playing games with our friendship and even though you're not obliged to tell me everything, I feel betrayed. For the first time in my life, you hurt me.

Today I caught up on some much needed r and r with Anna Wintour. It's been so long since we've extended our relationship past the phone calls, text messages, and Facebook chats that I sort of forgot how much I love her personality that only shines through in person. I never thought I'd enjoy drifting through the bitter air of Youngstown as much as I did today. Her stories make me laugh and her obsession with such minor details for someone with such a carefree attitude continues to stun me. Even though it was freezing, I loved listening to the way she described these insane people and outlandish encounters. Your free spirit mangled with our conflicting personalities makes for the perfect Sunday afternoon.

This weather is beautiful and I can't wait for it to be summer. I want to lay on Long Beach and dig my feet into the sand and sleep on my stomach for hours in the hot sun. I miss the sunsets and sticking to the towels drenched in murky water and covered in seaweed. But I want it to rain. I need a huge thunderstorm to wash away some of what's going on right now. I want to slide into cool, fresh sheets that dried outside in the summer sun. But the sheets on the other side of the bed have to stay where they were, tucked in and untouched. I want the windows open half way and the window to blow my curtains up a few inches so I can hear, see, and smell the rain. I can't wait for that streetlight to glare so brightly off the soaking wet blacktop that I have to squint my eyes even at night. And in the morning, I want the sunshine to throw the dewy spring scent through my window for one of those beautiful summer days. So they say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Turf Burn Never Felt So Liberating

Be flexible, today. Put your foot over your head and compromise about the dishes.

Blogging, I miss you. But it's softball season. And this always happens. Helllllo varsity. Helllllo hours of hell. Let's GO! I'm promising a long, detailed blog this weekend.

P.S. Ticket TWO.

Give Me Some

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Is there an answer? and if it's an honest one, honestly worth its question, there's no question. The city as my witness, I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything, just be anything here with me. Endless quotes and with the secondhand if you let go then that's where time will stand.

It's here. I've been thinking about it all day. Nonstop. March 8th. It's tomorrow. Cue mental breakdown and physical exhaustion. Here comes that feeling where I'm so small, but all she does is watch for my mistakes. I never have anything to prove to anyone, but I have the whole world to prove to her. But I'm ready. This time it's for me. I'm pushing myself for me and no one else. I'm working hard because I want this and I love this. I want the hours of dedication and pain. Bleeding sunburn and some more scars to add to my collection. I will do this. For me. Not you. Softball, I don't know why and how I let you do this to me. I say I hate it, but I can't stop. I depend on that high. The milliseconds. The reaction. I see it in my mind then it happens right in front of me. Fulfilling grudges I didn't know I had. That accomplishment.

I'm ready, so let's rock and roll.

Two Too Many?

You're annoying lately. There isn't another word to describe it. You do shady things and say shady stuff. Let's see if you want this bad enough. I might jump the gun and put our friendship to the test.

If I Wanted Silence, I'd Whisper

It's March. Here it comes. I've been thinking about it everday, dreading everything about it. What it stands for, the hours of dedication and the misery that naturally come hand-in-hand. But I live for this high. I thrive on sweat, blood, and running pains. SHE fucked me last time. And this time I'm going to try just as hard, but now you can't deny me.

It's March. That means be only have three more months or so. Let's clean up this shady act and get back to where we used to be.

It's March. That means summer is right around the corner. I can see the warmth at the end of the tunnel, but why can't I feel it? This snow needs to stop.

It's March. Baby Z, welcome to this cruel, cruel world. I've been spending so much time with all my youngins lately and I've started thinking. Maybe do I want a family someday. I love that look in her eyes that she gets when she's sleepy. You're telling me you never want this?

It's March and I hope it'll be a good one.

Lucky Number Five

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." I've learned how much I love you while watching your heart be broken by yet again another girl you've fallen head over heals for. Sometimes I can't even listen to what you have to say to me without getting teary eyed and upset for selfish reasons. If you love her so much, how will you ever love me? What if this is all just a fantasy that will never happen? She asked you "If you were dying, what three people would you choose to speak to?" and the first person that came to your mind was me. Not her, me. So why aren't we, us? How come you can chase after her sleeplessly and forget everything else in the world, but she doesn't want anything to do with you? Why am I not the girl you're chasing after? Maybe we'll only ever be best friends. I'm too scared to lose you. I don't want to tell you and have you be scared. I don't want it to change and not be the way it has been since even before I met you. Can we make it work without losing the best friendship we've ever had? When you tell me you love me, I want to know if it means more. Do you want to love me to fall in love or to make a lifelong friendship? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can go before I break. I DO want to tell you. But I DON'T want this to change what we are, who we are. Let go of her; She's hurting you and making you insane. "And if it helps, you'd be the first person I'd want to talk to too. I want to talk to you forever."

In The Womb we became best friends. I can tell you anything, everything. But that kind of trust and dedication has led to love, I think that's what it is anyway. Non judgemental, patient, caring, dedication. Brilliant.

Your Sarcasm keeps me on my feet. Our relationship is the epitome of screwed up honesty. You've taught me so much about myself and who and what I want to be. You're strength is so contagious. Just be you for you, and no one else.

Strange ways of going about things. You'll never tell me you need to talk or that something is wrong. You just say it, and let me analyse. You never complain and you're always so helpful. Your priorities are everywhere. You appear to have your shit in gear, but you have no idea what you want out of life and I think that's admirable. Just live your life.

It all started with The Number Four. You picked up your jersey and I told you to keep the legend alive. Then everyone started calling you my mini me and you were for a while, but then you turned into you. Like Strange Ways you constantly feel the need to be in control and to be on steady ground. Sometimes conflict and confrontation are necessary. "I really think that tragedy molds people. I mean, how else do you find out who you really are?"

Princess. Because there isn't a better word to describe your character. You're demanding, yet terrified of having what you want. I value your advice so much more than you'll ever know. Our friendship started so awkwardly and nonchalant. But I think I like it that way. There were no preconceived notions. Non judgemental and fair, you respect me being the "little one," and I love you for that. We are the epitome of opposite attract.

Other than my family, I guess you're the Lucky Five at this point in my life. You all mean the world to me and I could never ask for anything more. Never change who you are.

And My Dancer, I'll see you again somewhere, someday. Even though you're gone, you're always here. I love and miss you.

89 & 1

If I could explain where the problem is, I would. It's just not right. Something just isn't the way it's supposed to be, used to be. Forcing it isn't working. Ignoring it isn't working. Time isn't working. So what's the solution? You tell me. You be the problem solver for once. Ignite a flame. Start a conflict.

Tomorrow

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as through they’re here to stay oh I believe in yesterday

What've We Become?

It's just been on of those days where the tears swell up in your eyes and you can't even say why. or can you? I don't want to say I'm disappointed in you, but I am. I thought you were smarter than that. Sometimes I wish we would have faded away when we had the opportunity to, but something kept us together. At some point in time I knew why you were good for me, but now I think it's almost impossible to see. So do I hold on to someone who continuously disappoints or do I move on to new things? You make me laugh and I enjoy your company. But when it comes down to it, I think you'd do okay without me and sometimes that scares me. I don't want to be replaced by lust. Is it easier to be disappointed by your actions or continue pretending not to care? I think I'll wait this one out and let you make the decision because for once, I refuse to be the icebreaker.

we'll recover

SO she made a mistake, but I love her and you can't take that away from me. I don't know if I'm mad because of what she did or because of how I found out. She's the only one who has ever been able to make everything okay. When I'm truly hurt, she's the only one I want. She understands me and listens to me. I know she keeps my secrets unlike everyone else. Yes, I hate what she did, whatever that is, but you're not allowed to hold that against me. You can't just say she's old news. You don't know her, you're not allowed to judge her. SHE is human. I am human. We all make mistakes. But don't let what she did overshadow WHO she is.

parallel opposites

got my license today. so thankful for this newfound freedom !

september took my tourists and settled them for good

i haven't wanted something this bad in so long. cue mental breakdown. i'll be okay with help from you. i miss you a lot today. please just carry into tomorrow. be with me so that i'll be okay. give me a sign. be in my dreams tonight. DMMcArthur. 070707.

talking to what's left of you and watching what I say

i love the way you make the simpliest things mean so much. its the difference between looking like and truly being. you're not heartless, you just don't want to be vulnerable. let your guard down. what are you really trying to prove to someone who knows you inside and out?

tangeled in hotel sheets

I remember honey lips and words so true
I remember nonstop earthquake dreams of you
You're coming on fast like good dreams do

cross cancel the negative

it's been a year and four months. you're back. suprise, suprise. but for some reason, this time it's natural. i think we both want to be what we used to be, but is it worth the effort and time? i really do miss you. i'm happy you're back in my life, but how long will it last this time? i'm guessing it's too good to be true, but people have been suprising me lately. you're no good for me, but I want you to be the bad in my life. stay in my life for once in your life.

edge of desire

don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'cause i'm just about to set fire to everything i see
i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe
there i just said it i'm scared you'll forget about me

we're just ordinary people

Repeatedly being intentionally hurt really begins to influence who you trust and wholeheartedly believe. Being manipulated by her made me into someone I didn't even recognize. I hurt people I loved and didn't care. When I realized the power she had over me, I started to push her out of my life even though it was one of the hardest and only things I've ever done for myself. But now that she's gone for good, I'm content with myself and the people around me. I've rung out the bad and evil and become saturated with the people I believe truly care about me as a person.

Of everyone I've ever met, I've gravitated to you more than anyone. We have this unspoken trust that honestly amazes me. Ever since I realised the control she had over me I stopped trusting everyone. No one was every going to hurt me again; I told myself I was invincible. I think at one point you were the same way. But for some reason it's okay for me to be vulnerable with you. You just understand what I say and why I think the way I do. I can be myself, completely unguarded. You're never quick to judge or jump to conclusions. You listen intently to what I have to say free of prejudice and full of wonder. I've never admired someone the way I do you. Someday I want to be what you are, who you are. Have a family like you do, be the one everyone wants around.

You always talk about how I have so much potential, almost as if you wished you were like me when you were a kid. "You're so smart and have the potential to go so far." You wanted to be the person I can be even though I'm not so sure that's what I want. You're happy and that is what I want to be. But I know you're selfless and appreciate the simply beautiful things you have.

unguarded & non judgemental. maybe you're that way because of your past. you've been through so much to mold you into the person you are now, but I think it was worth it. you ended up in a better place and as a much better person. for some reason, I know you'll be in my life forever. Thank you for being nothing more than YOU.

purgatory, next stop heaven?

i really think he was there. i mean, i know i was asleep but i could feel him there with me. i felt his body hug me. it was my son's first birthday. what would have been my first anniversary, but i lay in my bed crying feeling sorry for myself. i knew i threw that peanut butter away but i smelled it, just for a second. i knew it was his way of saying happy anniversary to me.

i was laying in my bed and i just started screaming for my mom. i saw my dad, it was him i know it was. i watched him walk down the basement stairs, but he looked up and stared at me and waved.

by the way you stood up I knew you were uncomfortable with the conversation. I think sometimes I remind you of him. your little boy, gone. I can't imagine and hopefully will never know what you're going through.

three of the most fun people all I know all devastated by the loses of someone they love. i really think that tragedy molds people. i mean, how else do you find out who you really are?

dreamboard interference

for once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam
hit me hard enough to wake me, and lead me wild to your dark roads

please just see it in my eyes

i'd rather waste it with you than not have it to waste at all. distance is good for me, just not this time.

truth comes out a little at a time

i still don't understand how we share blood. you're a little spitfire, full of life, flirty, and a sweetheart. i'm a homebody, complicatedly simple, confused in the love department, and a bitch. your sweet simplicity keeps me grounded. but the thing I love most is the way you handle life's hardest situations. I can tell when something really bothers you. you just get those little tear drops in the bottom of your eyes and your mouth opens a little bit in an attempt to form a fake smile.

on paper, i guess i'm the good kid. but I admire the hell out of you. your morals amaze me. but I still hate the way you let people throw you around and the untrue side of you that you show to the world. be the sweetheart who stands up for herself. don't let people walk allover you and don't retaliate by not being who you are. I love you who really are. you don't believe me when I tell you I love you. but you're my little sister. you're growing up to fast and I know I can't do anything about it anymore. but I do love you and I always will. be you kid, because whoever you are, you amaze me.

seven TRIP

how does it feel to be the man that caused so many people so much pain? if you would have hit your brake pad a little bit sooner, I'd be at ease with so much more. something that happened to you terrifies me and we've never even met. you've caused chaos, panic, and confusion for her family and friends. but I want to get inside of your head. see what you're thinking. do you remember her everyday? replay the incident constantly. think what went wrong, what distracted you so much that you took someone else's life? i wonder if it's worse to be on your end or ours. knowing you caused all this pain is heart wrenching, but is enduring it and seeing it unfold before your eyes even worse? I want to feel sorry for you. sometimes I think I do. but today I miss her, a lot. today I want her back and today I need to tell her how I'm feeling and listen to her brilliant advice on how I should live my life. today, what you did isn't okay with me. but maybe tomorrow I'll understand. time does heal, but these sudden urges to have you back are starting to overwhelm me. someday way too soon. but for now, i still love you and you still are my world. i think of you everyday. pivotal moments, true change in my life. i can't think of a better time for this to happen. it makes sense today, but tomorrow, will it? day by day.

sketchboard

You're the best friend I've ever had, but it's impossible for me to figure you out. You don't over analyse anything the way I do. Things are what they are, you refuse to find a deeper meaning. When bad things happen, they're supposed to. You're not heartless in the way I make you sound. You just kinda move on. Or do you? Because then you start to question things that happened in the past. It's never a real conversation, just a thought that came to mind. Quick and unexpected you spit it out in that really fast, nervous tone that only I can comprehend. I can't figure out if all you do is care what people think or you truly just are too caught up to be concerned.

You came home from Paradise and before I even heard about the nights saturated with liquor and the native friends I'm sure that you made, I can hear it in your voice that you aren't okay. Something happened, it's just my instinct. I just know. I'm always the advice giver of my friends when something is truly wrong, but this time I know it's different. Three months ago he was that hands-off hot ass that you dreamed about every night. He showed interest in someone else. You didn't want to move on, but once you did, you were back to normal; I mean what else would I expect from you? But now it's him who wants you and you didn't know how to react. Go with it, sure. I mean it's Paradise, why not have a good time? But I don't think you thought about what it'd do to you on a deeper level.

He's five years older than you. You have such a bright future. Don't waste it on someone who won't matter a year down the road. Victory isn't so sweet. Let's stay young forever and stare in awe at the lives of what we believe to be the sultry and sweet. I don't know if I can handle you not being you. This inconsistency is going to drive me insane.

& you say wisdom comes with age

you truly think he is the best thing that has ever happened to you? then my darling, you are nothing but a fool. ignorance is not a pardon.

brain surgery

"i know Tay, it's just SO hard to commit to something that is gunna stick with you FOREVER when you're 16." lately, this has been playing such a toll on my everyday thought. I mean, a year ago I wanted to be the next Cristina Yang and had the rest of my life figured out. then I woke up one morning and decided that wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. so where do I go from here? how am I supposed to make a decision like that when my teenage mind is so screwed up and insane? answers anybody?

Salt Lake City, Utah

it all boils down to that longing for human contact.

lose this crowd; break me out

They'll carry on, Won't notice we're gone, So easily replaced

The walls are caving in without a warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

So hung up on bad ass Skater Boy even though Mr. Innocent is staring me in the face. Time to move on like you did. I just wish I knew how.