Still of the Morning Cover of the Night

Hello you long shots and dark horse runners, hair brush singers and dashboard drummers. Hello you wild magnolias just waiting to bloom.

I have nothing to hide and no need to sugarcoat so I'm going to make this plain and simple. Everyone and everything I seem to care about lately is packing up and moving south. I have that horrible feeling in my gut like I did from June to December of 2007. Laying under my comforter in the darkness of my bedroom I sit here contemplating my next move. Tears don't come like they used to. I just lie here and think. Think. Think. My mind is worst enemey. I think so far into things that I just work myself up and throw myself into absurd scenarios that will never happen in the tangable world. Imagination and these dreamlike states of mind are starting to disappear. I'm just alone with myself and my thoughts and that terrifies me. I'm starting to lose trust in everyone. Even the few that have never given me a reason not to.

I just want to be done.

Editor In Chief

I know it's been a while. A long long while as a matter of fact. But we all know what happens to the plethora of time that I used to have when this time of year comes rolling around. Softball is amazing. Anywhere from two to four hours a day I spend working to the bone all for this personal and liberating satisfaction. I'm starting to enjoy running? It's really the only time I have to think. Somewhere between the stomach cramps and burning hamstrings, (which are really starting to become a problem) I find time to analyse my day and whatever seems to be happening at the time. If it's at all possible, I think Adolf is starting to gain some respect for me? She's realizing I'm not the same kid I was in seventh grade and that I deserve a second chance. But enough about that shit...

This weekend I took some time to myself. I love my softball girls, but I've been spending so much time with them that I feel like maybe I've been neglecting my duties to my best friends. I'm really happy that I got to spend some time with Morrisville. I learned that one of the few people I've believed to be completely honest with me since the day I met them, lied to me. I was fine with the fact that she chose to do what she did, that's her decision. But you didn't want to tell me because you didn't know what I'd think. That's what hurts the most. I thought you'd know better than to think of me as judgemental. I feel like we're playing games with our friendship and even though you're not obliged to tell me everything, I feel betrayed. For the first time in my life, you hurt me.

Today I caught up on some much needed r and r with Anna Wintour. It's been so long since we've extended our relationship past the phone calls, text messages, and Facebook chats that I sort of forgot how much I love her personality that only shines through in person. I never thought I'd enjoy drifting through the bitter air of Youngstown as much as I did today. Her stories make me laugh and her obsession with such minor details for someone with such a carefree attitude continues to stun me. Even though it was freezing, I loved listening to the way she described these insane people and outlandish encounters. Your free spirit mangled with our conflicting personalities makes for the perfect Sunday afternoon.

This weather is beautiful and I can't wait for it to be summer. I want to lay on Long Beach and dig my feet into the sand and sleep on my stomach for hours in the hot sun. I miss the sunsets and sticking to the towels drenched in murky water and covered in seaweed. But I want it to rain. I need a huge thunderstorm to wash away some of what's going on right now. I want to slide into cool, fresh sheets that dried outside in the summer sun. But the sheets on the other side of the bed have to stay where they were, tucked in and untouched. I want the windows open half way and the window to blow my curtains up a few inches so I can hear, see, and smell the rain. I can't wait for that streetlight to glare so brightly off the soaking wet blacktop that I have to squint my eyes even at night. And in the morning, I want the sunshine to throw the dewy spring scent through my window for one of those beautiful summer days. So they say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Turf Burn Never Felt So Liberating

Be flexible, today. Put your foot over your head and compromise about the dishes.

Blogging, I miss you. But it's softball season. And this always happens. Helllllo varsity. Helllllo hours of hell. Let's GO! I'm promising a long, detailed blog this weekend.

P.S. Ticket TWO.

Give Me Some

Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Is there an answer? and if it's an honest one, honestly worth its question, there's no question. The city as my witness, I am who I wanna be, but you could be anything, just be anything here with me. Endless quotes and with the secondhand if you let go then that's where time will stand.

It's here. I've been thinking about it all day. Nonstop. March 8th. It's tomorrow. Cue mental breakdown and physical exhaustion. Here comes that feeling where I'm so small, but all she does is watch for my mistakes. I never have anything to prove to anyone, but I have the whole world to prove to her. But I'm ready. This time it's for me. I'm pushing myself for me and no one else. I'm working hard because I want this and I love this. I want the hours of dedication and pain. Bleeding sunburn and some more scars to add to my collection. I will do this. For me. Not you. Softball, I don't know why and how I let you do this to me. I say I hate it, but I can't stop. I depend on that high. The milliseconds. The reaction. I see it in my mind then it happens right in front of me. Fulfilling grudges I didn't know I had. That accomplishment.

I'm ready, so let's rock and roll.

Two Too Many?

You're annoying lately. There isn't another word to describe it. You do shady things and say shady stuff. Let's see if you want this bad enough. I might jump the gun and put our friendship to the test.