If I Wanted Silence, I'd Whisper

It's March. Here it comes. I've been thinking about it everday, dreading everything about it. What it stands for, the hours of dedication and the misery that naturally come hand-in-hand. But I live for this high. I thrive on sweat, blood, and running pains. SHE fucked me last time. And this time I'm going to try just as hard, but now you can't deny me.

It's March. That means be only have three more months or so. Let's clean up this shady act and get back to where we used to be.

It's March. That means summer is right around the corner. I can see the warmth at the end of the tunnel, but why can't I feel it? This snow needs to stop.

It's March. Baby Z, welcome to this cruel, cruel world. I've been spending so much time with all my youngins lately and I've started thinking. Maybe do I want a family someday. I love that look in her eyes that she gets when she's sleepy. You're telling me you never want this?

It's March and I hope it'll be a good one.

Lucky Number Five

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." I've learned how much I love you while watching your heart be broken by yet again another girl you've fallen head over heals for. Sometimes I can't even listen to what you have to say to me without getting teary eyed and upset for selfish reasons. If you love her so much, how will you ever love me? What if this is all just a fantasy that will never happen? She asked you "If you were dying, what three people would you choose to speak to?" and the first person that came to your mind was me. Not her, me. So why aren't we, us? How come you can chase after her sleeplessly and forget everything else in the world, but she doesn't want anything to do with you? Why am I not the girl you're chasing after? Maybe we'll only ever be best friends. I'm too scared to lose you. I don't want to tell you and have you be scared. I don't want it to change and not be the way it has been since even before I met you. Can we make it work without losing the best friendship we've ever had? When you tell me you love me, I want to know if it means more. Do you want to love me to fall in love or to make a lifelong friendship? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can go before I break. I DO want to tell you. But I DON'T want this to change what we are, who we are. Let go of her; She's hurting you and making you insane. "And if it helps, you'd be the first person I'd want to talk to too. I want to talk to you forever."

In The Womb we became best friends. I can tell you anything, everything. But that kind of trust and dedication has led to love, I think that's what it is anyway. Non judgemental, patient, caring, dedication. Brilliant.

Your Sarcasm keeps me on my feet. Our relationship is the epitome of screwed up honesty. You've taught me so much about myself and who and what I want to be. You're strength is so contagious. Just be you for you, and no one else.

Strange ways of going about things. You'll never tell me you need to talk or that something is wrong. You just say it, and let me analyse. You never complain and you're always so helpful. Your priorities are everywhere. You appear to have your shit in gear, but you have no idea what you want out of life and I think that's admirable. Just live your life.

It all started with The Number Four. You picked up your jersey and I told you to keep the legend alive. Then everyone started calling you my mini me and you were for a while, but then you turned into you. Like Strange Ways you constantly feel the need to be in control and to be on steady ground. Sometimes conflict and confrontation are necessary. "I really think that tragedy molds people. I mean, how else do you find out who you really are?"

Princess. Because there isn't a better word to describe your character. You're demanding, yet terrified of having what you want. I value your advice so much more than you'll ever know. Our friendship started so awkwardly and nonchalant. But I think I like it that way. There were no preconceived notions. Non judgemental and fair, you respect me being the "little one," and I love you for that. We are the epitome of opposite attract.

Other than my family, I guess you're the Lucky Five at this point in my life. You all mean the world to me and I could never ask for anything more. Never change who you are.

And My Dancer, I'll see you again somewhere, someday. Even though you're gone, you're always here. I love and miss you.

89 & 1

If I could explain where the problem is, I would. It's just not right. Something just isn't the way it's supposed to be, used to be. Forcing it isn't working. Ignoring it isn't working. Time isn't working. So what's the solution? You tell me. You be the problem solver for once. Ignite a flame. Start a conflict.

Tomorrow

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as through they’re here to stay oh I believe in yesterday

What've We Become?

It's just been on of those days where the tears swell up in your eyes and you can't even say why. or can you? I don't want to say I'm disappointed in you, but I am. I thought you were smarter than that. Sometimes I wish we would have faded away when we had the opportunity to, but something kept us together. At some point in time I knew why you were good for me, but now I think it's almost impossible to see. So do I hold on to someone who continuously disappoints or do I move on to new things? You make me laugh and I enjoy your company. But when it comes down to it, I think you'd do okay without me and sometimes that scares me. I don't want to be replaced by lust. Is it easier to be disappointed by your actions or continue pretending not to care? I think I'll wait this one out and let you make the decision because for once, I refuse to be the icebreaker.